So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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