On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
