Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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