did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
