she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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