I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
