one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
