Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
