I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
if i died would you start the facebook group?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
