and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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