i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
i think i just lost a toe
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