Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
