Already got asked if we're dating
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
