She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
