New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize