Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize