dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
