Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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