He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
