Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
