having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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