Jerry, you need to find god
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize
