i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
