i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
