she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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