I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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