She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
