Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Congratulations! We have a period
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