I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I got her a Nickelback box set.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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