I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
