Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
