well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
