Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I use my feet as sexual weapons
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
