If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
