You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
