He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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