no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
