hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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