Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize