and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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