Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I smell like Dick and happiness
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