My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Randomize
