ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I cut my penus on the lid.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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