he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
