I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
