oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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