Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
