remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
If I die, sorry about rent.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
