apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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