So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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