you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
