And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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