Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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