got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
