i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
there is glitter all over my balls
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
