True but thats because hes a fetus.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
