a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
