Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize