It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
