At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
